When Roger Lloyd-Pack passed away in January of this year he left behind not only a serious acting career (roles with the Royal Shakespeare Company and The National Theatre) but a comedy legacy. Colin ‘Trigger’ Ball, as he was known to adoring fans of John Sullivan’s Only Fools and Horses, was famous for his innocent yet howling one-liners; “What’s the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?” just one of the masterfully-scripted scores.

Better known for addressing Nicholas Lyndhurst’s character, Rodney Trotter as ‘Dave’, Lloyd-Pack demonstrated the immensity of playing the low-IQ, straight man. Like a barman using the default of ‘John’ to unfamiliar faces, perhaps the Peckham road sweeper was trying to keep his life simple and manageable.

There are plenty of Daves in this world – very few Rodneys. This is evidenced by a quick glance at the player names in Division Two of the Bolton League. The Rodneys are outnumbered by five to one (more than 20 to 1 across the entire league). It is for this reason and in honour of the blue-suited Trigger that I will concentrate this piece of journalism on the table-tennising Daves.

Their records appear quite rotten on first inspection – almost reinforcing the plight of being a ‘Dave’. But then you look beneath the surface, as with most things, and realise there are various stories afoot.

David Cain, old warrior that he is, has returned to the game almost full-time after a decade out. Funny bat, ‘holiday’ legs, the Ramsbottom man has held his own with a notable ‘double’ over Tony Eardley and big wins against Gary Hilton, John Birchall, John Cole and Stephen Hunt. His win percentage at 42 is respectable indeed and puts him top of the Dave table.

David Jones – the burly bruiser playing for BoltonUniversity – whilst suffering a dip in form since December (just two wins from twenty-four matches) is a handful for anyone. The hard-hitting Farnworth man, playing up a division from last season has been unfortunate to lose six out of seven five-setters whilst on that run.

Such stats become psychological. His losses over the season to patient players such as Brian Greenhalgh and Alan Bradshaw perhaps tell the tale but his Division Two win percentage of 27% is still a ratio-busting figure when compared to last season’s 33% in Division Three.

David Brookes is the enigma of the bunch for me. A bit-part player (loves his handball and holidays), the Harper man is possibly a victim of never quite ‘getting going’ or having a sustained run in the team. His one victory, a truly uplifting five-set win against the might of 58% man, Gary Hilton was remarkable yet somehow demonstrative of better things to come. The father of Premier demon, Jordan, David quite simply needs to replicate his son’s killer instinct.

The remaining Daves – Mottershead and Rogers – although yet to record a win between them this season should be applauded for taking a set off Gillian Marsden and Bob Waller respectively.

Watch out, Rodney Hall (60%) – they’re gunning for you!

Warburton Cup (last 16)

Radcliffe   396

Boyzone    425½

It is a tough ask for any team to concede an average of only 2 ½ points per set. But that is what Radcliffe (currently 3^rd in the Premier Division) were asked to do tonight. Playing against the relegation-threatened Division Three side, Boyzone (handicap 301.5), they had home advantage however, the services of topspin king, Rob Hall and the knowledge that a well-brewed pint was waiting for them next door.

Boyzone entered this venue looking a tiny bit sheepish, half-wary of what was in store. Horror stories of Premier beatings regularly circulate in the lesser table tennis dens – tales of humiliation, of forced retirement and exposing half-decent players as quivering buffoons.

Manoeuvring your way to this venue is a job in itself. Once past The Unicorn public house you hang a left opposite Next Frydays Fish & Chip Shop and proceed to rumble across a cobbled track before the real assault course of 100 pot holes begins. Making it into the car park you are met by a flood of darkness, a stargazer’s paradise and the seemingly phantom presence of Jim Chadwick.

“Hello.” Jim is a pleasant chap, a perfect ambassador for this great sport. He shows me inside what at first appears to be a large, corrugated container. The dainty, green-check curtains immediately stand out; behind them and the windows, security grills perhaps alarming to a cultivated crowd.

Other items give this place an absurd yet comfortable aura: the World of Ice Cream freezer stood randomly by the door; the white-beamed ceiling; the six fluorescent kitchen lights. And that is before we witness the splendid ‘triple jump’ knee-high socks of visiting player, Vinny Merrit (children’s nursery proprietor by day, entertainer by night).

Hall gets the play underway against Matthew Brown and things immediately look ominous. Hall prefers the two-shot rally, has the ability to reverse most push shots at incredible speed. Such play numbs the opponent – has them wondering how to live with such fire. Brown has no answer yet scrambles sufficient points (3-11,2-11,4-11,2-11).

It is Radcliffe’s Michael Dore now. He has the build of Kenneth Clarke, hair of a chimney sweeper. A more patient player than Hall, he waits for the correct ball height before throwing himself into the shot. Too much respect perhaps, but then Jez Grimwood is a lower league heavyweight, a solid counter-hitter. Dore loses crucial points in the second: 11-2,11-7,11-3,11-2.

Gabriel Wilding has to salvage something now – indulge in the rampant slaughter of Merrit. Therein lies the problem. Merrit is useful. Most table tennis players are useful. His backhand shows great menace and it is another middle set which nicks crucial points: 2-11,3-11,9-11,2-11.

Brown picks up a further 27 points. He has the intense look of a highlander defending his patch. Merrit jokes his way to another 17. But it is kitchen designer, Grimwood (tape-measure in back pocket) who sees Boyzone home (39).

The old mill town and Mesolithic area rumbles. The River Irwell spills some of its load. Boyzone have entered this former coal-laden area and they have conquered!

Quarter Final Draw

Hilton L / Bolton Uni B Vs Standish

Meadow Ben C Vs Farnworth SC A

Little Lever C / Hilton G Vs Boyzone

Bolton Uni A / Harper Brass A Vs Heaton F

Division Three: Farnworth SC ‘B’ 3 Hilton ‘K’ 6

For a team who were looking good for promotion at Christmas but who were then savagely beaten by title favourites, Hilton ‘I’ 9-0 in the New Year, Farnworth needed a result tonight. They needed a show of mettle, an undaunted display of might – performances from the depths of both squad and body.

Living with the visitors up to match six (3-3) – in large part due to the experience of old hand, John Ainley – Farnworth had this teed up nicely, ready to sound the battle cry and edge to victory.

Cue the unluckiest player in the league, Farnworth’s David End losing his third five-setter of the night, Ainley missing his treble and Hilton’s Brian Young with a born-again performance against John Rothwell.

One of the trickier venues, Farnworth Social Circle Cricket Club has an ‘under the stairs’ feel to it. To enter its table tennis bosom is to be met by paraphernalia not exactly crucial to the great game: stacks of plaster board behind the door; folded-up buffet tables; odd-shaped pieces of wood leaning against the wall; one orange life ring.

Whether this is strategic, part of the intimidatory armour, I do not know. The faces seem welcoming enough, as do the eight coat hangers – rare practical assets in this cubbyhole – yet beyond the minor pleasantries one senses the need for a power shift within this club, a firm separation of lines between cricket and table tennis.

Hilton’s Mathew Fishwick, 85% man and fourth finest player in Division Three this season got this show on the road in his usual uncompromising style. Fishwick is a human wall, a table tennis automaton. He must have played each shot thousands of times now and such dedication tends to sink opponents. Rothwell, deep-serving maestro, was fortunate to take one set: 6-11,9-11,11-8, 7-11.

Jeff Saunders – digger of the ball, a lower-league Jeff Craighill in terms of style – playing his first away match ever, will perhaps stay at home in future with the knowledge that low ceilings are routine annoyances ‘on the road’ and do not suit his game. Ainley, the wily, bespectacled man with a scooped push courtesy of his rotating, Gorilla-like arm proved to be too much: 11-5,4-11,11-7,11-9.

Enter not ‘The Special One’ but ‘The Unlucky One’. David End, Farnworth’s no.4 is half the size and has half the stats of usual incumbent, Carl Bennett. To see him play, however, is to respect his audacious looping style. Regular whispers emanate from him (“Rubbish. Rubbish.”) and you can see the demons plying their trade in his company. He lost this one in horrible fashion to Young: 13-15,11-9,7-11,11-8,12-14.

Rothwell pulled Farnworth back into it by defeating Saunders (3-1). End did his usual five-set trick against Fishwick (2-3). And Ainley sneaked home versus Young (3-2).

Match seven (End versus Saunders – battle of the 1961 boys) was pivotal – the best spectacle of the night; attack versus defence (9-11,8-11,14-12,16-14). End had it (6-4 up in the fifth) but then the groan, the calamitous finish (7-11).

Division 3 ‘Top Six’

                                                P              W            L              F              A             Pts

1              Hilton I                  12           8              4              67           41           67

2              Lostock                 12           8              4              64           44           64

3              Heaton E               12           7              5              61           47           61

4              Hilton H                12           8              4              60           48           60

5              Farnworth SCB   13           6              7              59           58           59

6              Hilton K                13           9              4              59           58           59

That I can just turn up at one of twenty eight table tennis matches each week seems to me pretty special. I pour over the fixtures hoping for an interesting clash and then days later wheedle my way in – sometimes with trepidation, often in the knowledge I’ll see a familiar face, always conscious that I scribble too much down and risk missing the deeper story.

At times, gearing up to watch Premier and Division One matches is like walking into a private function room or board members’ and football managers’ bar. “Who the hell are you?” I sense them thinking. “Ever played at this level?” “Nobody” and “No” would be my answers. No access to the vintage whisky and wine or Cuban cigars therefore. No easy laughter – just the frozen air surrounding an impostor.

I exaggerate of course. The chocolate factory of table tennis venues is mostly welcoming. I was once offered a cup of coffee by Barry Walsh – Hilton’s sprightly elder statesman. And Richard Whittleworth of Walkden Methodists has hypnotic-like power over the Ladies’ Fellowship group there which shuffle in with the tea and biscuits at 8.30 prompt.

Comparing this prized, free, invisible season ticket with say, a 2013/14 Reebok Stadium pass or regular visits to the dark side (Old Trafford) or even Fleetwood’s Highbury Stadium is credible, however. I cannot promise the cultured movement of Tim Ream, the mega-signings of slothful, rich kids, or the reassuringly charming Captain Pugwash music each time a point is scored. What I can do is guide you through Bolton’s network of still blazing, sporting homes.

Hilton Table Tennis Centre is where the journey must begin. Home to 22 of the league’s 58 sides, it is now entrenched in Horwich’s history – up there with Rivington Pike, Winter Hill, the town’s first-built locomotive (1887) and The Blundell Arms to my mind. An unassuming building, a discreet location in the back streets yards from Aldi, yet inside – the perfect floor, lighting, tables, nets and dividing curtains; a true Mecca with matches played each week night.

Harper Green Leisure Centre is next in size. Exactly nine miles from the table tennis capital, Farnworth’s multi-sport venue is years behind the master, yet shows signs of developing young talent and a true thirst for the game courtesy of 13-year-old ‘D’ team player, Keane Mills and others.

The smaller venues have their quirks and humorous betrothals as you enter. Heaton Cricket Club has something of the operating theatre about it. At the same time, descending those steps to the ‘cellar’ can feel like walking into The Crucible.

Ramsbottom, as I have alluded to before, is quite a sodden place offset slightly by the pleasant drive there.

Here is my overall ‘Top 10’ for match nights:

Venue*                 Capacity      Pros                                     Cons

Hilton TTC                 5             Professional set up      Noise

Harper Green LC    3            Gymnasium space         Lighting/Distractions

Walkden MC             1            Modern and spacious  Lighting (angled)

Ladybridge CC         2            Good length                       Low ceiling

Bolton L&G Club    3             Space                                     Noise/Human traffic

Heaton CC                 1             Separate to spectators   Overall size

St Paul’s Peel PH    1              Peaceful                               Setting up table

Lostock TC                  1             Very private                   Table/Low ceiling

Meadow Hill TC      1             Intensity                            Temperature/Length

Ramsbottom TCC  1              Sufficient seating        Temperature/Length

* Albany TTC, Farnworth SCCC, Flixton CC, Little Lever CC, Radcliffe CC & Wharton URC – yet to be assessed.