Division Two: Harper Brass ‘B’ 1 Meadow Ben ‘A’ 8

If Meadow Ben’s Dave Holden does not turn you over in a legitimate manner, there is the distinct possibility that he might strangle you with his gargantuan hands and forge the scorecard.

His wedding ring alone resembles a section of copper pipe and his tumbling hair – which has the habit of falling into a centre parting – has that look of severe graft about it.

He is a big fella. And whilst the table tennis hall does not exactly shake upon him taking his position in front of the five feet wide Cornilleau table, Richter-like rumbles are heard once he begins to throw himself around.

Decked out in black Joola top and shorts with Puma socks and Stiga trainers, Holden is either a sponsor’s dream or the man sat in reception each day eyeing up a potential deal. The stats are there to warrant maybe a minuscule business association (2012/13 50% Div1, 2013/14 67% Div1, 2014/15 70% Div2), but what is particularly noticeable is Holden’s low attendance on the Bolton circuit.

Not over-extending himself – generally making seven match-night appearances each season – he does what many do by juggling larger Bury commitments across the border. The Carlton Club, former Nomads’ and now Meadow Ben player exudes a rare confidence no matter which region he is performing in. Of redoubtable stock, Holden stalks his opponents as if auditioning for David Attenborough’s The Hunt.

This was a strange evening in that Harper’s no.1, Dave Jones was away in Geneva and no.3, Dave Brookes not picking up and so an experimental three was hastily assembled: Roger Bertrand vacuumed out of retirement; Jim Bolton making his expectant debut; Jeff Weston attempting to correct a torrid season.

The reality, however, in league terms was 10^th versus 2^nd; Division Two newbies against adroit ‘members of the bar’. Meadow’s tall, Kangol-wearing Peter Cooper was mauled a little – losing to Bertrand 15-13, 9-11, 11-9, 7-11, 8-11 and scraping through against Bolton and Weston (each in four games) – but otherwise the night went with the form book; James Bollard, in particular – tattoos beaming from his forearms – making a statement via his three short wins.

Jim Bolton, Harper’s secret weapon from Wigan, battled with the perspicacity of a foreign spy but the shot variation of Holden and muscle of Bollard proved too much. Even for Bolton’s lucky ‘Sunday roast’ socks.

Division Two: Heaton ‘C’ 7 Harper Brass ‘B’ 2

Not reported in the wider press over the summer was the transfer of John Henry Scowcroft from Heaton ‘B’ to ‘Heaton ‘C’. Although seen in many quarters as a final acknowledgement that his 79-year-old body could no longer handle the rigours of life in Division One, the real story was somewhat different.

The largest clubs – Hilton, Heaton and Harper Brass – during the close season rejigged their teams and went from a combined 22 league teams (out of 60) to a lower figure of 20 (out of 59). Now representing 33.9% of the entire league these behemoths have had to cope with an economic downturn, injuries and in the case of Harper, a small mutiny.

Three key figures emerge from this – club functionaries in charge of combing through the squads and holding at least one annual meeting. Brian Young of Hilton, Paul Mort of Heaton and Kaushik Makwana of Harper Brass are effectively the dons of the Bolton table tennis scene. It is ‘Morty’ though who is central to this story.

When Johnny Scowcroft did not get the usual call before the start of the 2015/16 season, he began to wonder where his white and blue Stiga trainers would be squeaking come September. A familiar face on the circuit, Scowcroft – his barrel frame always decked out in green, Mizuno polo shirt and blue ‘velvet’ shorts – is not one to opt for muesli and rocking chair. His stats indicate a 4-5% decline each season, yet he is ever capable.

Behind the scenes Morty was talking to Division Three promoted captain, Mark Greenhalgh and it was this together with a hip injury to relegated Division One fellow, Bill Fairhurst that led to the cull of one team. A natural joining of players in Two was considered (to the detriment of sacrificial lamb, Greenhalgh) the best, but controversial way forward.

“Morty and myself had the conversation in late August. I knew Scowcroft was what we needed,” Greenhalgh generously conceded.

And so Scowcroft was unleashed in Division Two for the first time since 2012/13. His win percentage before this match was 83.33%. A satisfactory evening against my Harper strugglers only slightly dampened that: Versus Jeff Weston 8-11,11-8,12-10,11-8; versus Matthew Brown 6-11,11-9,11-3,11-9; but defeat to Dave Jones 6-11,7-11,8-11.

The consensus is: You cannot train someone up to be Johnny Scowcroft. He is unique and probably fell from the sky in a pod.

@jeffweston1970

The passing of the Major League Baseball star, Yogi Berra (aged 90) late last month is a reminder that daftness will always have a place at the heart of sport. The feared clutch hitter famed for his Yogi-isms was said to have a homely face and a talent “routinely underestimated”. Some of his quotes are like gold dust: “If you see a fork in the road, take it”; “Half this game is 90% mental”; “It’s so crowded, nobody goes there any more”; and surely the best of the lot, “You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you”.

The final quote is a ridiculous, yet hilarious taunt to the opposition at the end of a match – any match, be it football, table tennis, cricket or that American stuff. Berra, the son of Italian immigrants, liked to speak his mind even if mocked and derided. And in this ludicrous age of squareness and grim pontificating, he is a fine example of not being bound by the narrative of the day.

Ten World Series rings with the Yankees is testament to his greatness, but more than this he was one of America’s best-loved stars; “small and squat” but he made people smile.

Looking through the early tables of the Bolton League is in some quarters eerily familiar: Flixton ‘A’ and Ramsbottom ‘A’ battling it out for the Premier crown; Heaton ‘D’ (they’ve had a few letters along the way) tucked in nicely near the top of Division Three; Meadow Hill ‘A’ and their annual see-saw between Three and Four (often assisted by a benevolent committee).

Behind these team names and others are Yogis of our own, however:  Roy Caswell – rarely seen not wearing beige pants; Roger Bertrand – the man with the plastic bags (one for his bananas, one for his bottle of cordial that resembles cleaning fluid and two more for good luck); Alan Lansdale, known for his acerbic yet sardonic lines (“You can’t use them serves against an old man”); Ray Isherwood, zipping through the divisions faster than anyone (an ode to his skills on the side of his carpet van, “For Quality, at Affordable Prices”); Paul Brandwood, perhaps loosely attributed with “He’s only got a backhand and that’s poor”.

This is shaping up to be an interesting season both on and off the tables. May the wry words of Boltonians and those coddled and adopted in this north-west heartland long continue.

Twitter: @jeffweston1970

Division Two: Harper Brass ‘C’ 6 Ladybridge ‘B’ 3

The real hero tonight was not the winning team, Harper Brass C. Nor was it the players inside it – captain Faizan Bhura, Kirit Chauhan and treble terminator John Nuttall. It was instead Ladybridge’s stand-in player from Division Three, Ellis Longworth.

The 15-year-old lad with the wedge haircut and lanky legs lost all three of his matches, but one must look inside that raw number just as a humanist studies the bereft GDP figure that is an economist’s Holy Grail.

Versus Bhura: 11-5, 7-11, 8-11, 11-7, 9-11 (46 points to 45 but still the loser). Against Nuttall: 8-11, 11-13, 11-6, 9-11 (savage). When entertaining Chauhan: 4-11, 8-11, 4-11 (head understandably gone).

You play twelve games, you usually deserve something. You rock Nuttall 11-6, people sit up. To look at Longworth, you do not initially spot the majestic player. There are the private pet talks muttered serenely: ‘Come on, Ellis’ (like a whining call to the gods). There are the occasional, soft-trickled shots into the net.

He could be a six-foot rake in the corner of a garage, a Pale Rider but what he probably is is Keir Hardie walking into Parliament as an MP for the first time in August 1892; unperturbed, courageous, a fighting man not dragooned by protocol and reputations.

How ironic that hours before this exalted performance Longworth was grounded from school for wearing “unacceptable” shoes. The world of table tennis has no such piffy rules – merely that playing shirts and shorts are “of a uniform colour other than white”.

Given that Longworth had to borrow a bat for this clash (his preferred blade locked in the house of his usual teammate) and was of course ‘playing up’, his exploits were remarkable. Ask Xu Xin to use the bat of Ma Long. There would be a look of disgust, the clear recognition that one’s normal game would be compromised.

Longworth did not tangibly assist his temporary teammates, Brian Greenhalgh and John Cole in their annual quest for survival, but his hard-hitting, accurate forays surprised many. Greenhalgh’s range of expressions on the court and self-criticism (“Fingers …Oh, you plonker…Frilly underwear”) – despite his double – could be said to embody this. And Cole’s renewed impetus was arguably due to the gee-up of the younger competitor and colleague.

As for Harper Brass – this was a good win, but they must start talking between games. Bhura’s two losses could have been avoided with a canny word or two from his elders.

* This article will appear in The Bolton News on Tues, 22nd September 2015

‘Truth is going out of fashion,’ Nomad’s Tim Vaughan tells me. I had phoned him to ask if he had any ideas as to why his table tennis matches last longer than anyone else’s, why he has an extraordinary amount of five-setters under his belt and before I knew it he was talking about pianos, community painting and self-education.

I don’t mind a bit of discursiveness, a few Woody Allen non sequiturs, but sometimes I need the facts fast – quotes to shape a story, relevant background information and insights.

This was meant to be a simple pick up – a collection of words from a player which I could massage into a short article. Match Secretary, Brett Haslam had warned me beforehand, however: ‘I think if your two brains come together there’ll be some sort of Hadron event.’

Vaughan was going to be difficult – like talking to a Mastermind contestant or a Frenchman. Nothing was for free. Being on the phone for less than 20 minutes was incomprehensible to him; five minutes a mere pulling out of the station, 10 minutes a slow unscrewing of the flask top. Hang on tight for the journey!

Vaughan is a rarity among table tennis players. He is a multi-layered man – one of only two I have met that like to sit around the camp fire and mull over life. The record for wordy responses is currently 2,400 held by Flixton’s Paul Cicchelli following an interview with him. After much to-ing and fro-ing, Vaughan claimed to be sat on a stash of 5,000 words prompted by twenty questions I had put to him. He had apparently doubled the ante.

Why did I want answers and riffs from this Ashton resident (Liverpool born in 1963)? Why did I seek critical facts underpinning his game?  Because his stats were staggering. Normally a player is lucky to reach 25 per cent in terms of five-set matches participated in throughout the league season. This Division One player was off the scale at 42 per cent. A bounteous 24 of his 57 matches in 2014/15 were sweat-inducing marathon sessions.

It was uncanny – almost as if Vaughan wanted or needed plentiful ding-dongs, as if the whole thing was staged. But who in their right mind prolongs things?

Perhaps it is not within him to be merciless. But then fellow players applaud his technique: ‘He reads people’s games, plays close to the table with a good natural style, attacks very quickly on both flanks and takes spin easily.’

The 5000-word haul never arrived. Maybe it is Vaughan’s attempt to indemnify the truth. Maybe a larger piece on him will follow.

Special signings are rare. They reinvigorate a club. They act as polish to the existing ranks.

The news that The Lostock Lasher, John Nuttall is considering a return to table tennis after temporarily retiring in March 2014 is significant indeed. There are not many with his thirst, his drive, his sublime, unorthodox technique.

Past reports have lauded him – taken note of his ability to constantly win (“No Stops Yet for Nuttall Steam Train”). In 2012/13 he did the impossible – he won all 57 of his league matches and joined a select group, the ‘100% Club’.

So where will the 24-year-old play? What contracts and promises have been texted, verbalised and emailed to this still young man with the settled mind of a 35-year-old sage?

Discussions have been had with Meadow Hill, Harper Brass and Heaton to date. When a conqueror hits the market, there is no shortage of takers, no feigning disinterest or stroking one’s chin.

Who will land him? There are sticking points to a deal with each club. Meadow Hill, captained by league general secretary, Roy Caswell finished the 2014/15 season in 11^th place in Division Three – one of the relegation spots. Should their logical fate play out then a Division Four birth will not be attractive to a player that has gone unbeaten in the league’s bottom division and has actually achieved 96% in Division Three.

Harper Brass offer a natural route forward having been promoted to Division Two, but team loyalties – still beating in some quarters of the UK – will prevent such a transfer…for now. Their squad is full and ripe and very few teams desire a dressing room of five players when only three walk the table. A perfect fit it would have been, but its time may come again in 2016/17 with an anticipated restructuring of the Harper stable.

Heaton then – that little cricket club on the hill which offers great bar facilities, limited parking and alternative sports. The irony here is that Nuttall’s last tormentor, Dave Jones Snr plays for them. The 16^th January 2014 remains etched in both players’ heads. Could the old enemy merge, join forces? It is more than likely. Dave Jones Jnr, of the same club, is a long-time admirer of Nuttall and understands Heaton’s deficiencies following relegation from Two to Three.

Concerning the man himself though – Nuttall’s words say a lot: ‘The main thing I want to do is play with people I like and know.’

A simple wish, but the wish of a force, a table tennis whirlwind.